Arguments in The Marriage

10 Ground rules

Arguments in the marriage are going to happen because you just can’t avoid them all. They tend to bring out the worst side of people. And in some cases test the breaking point of the relationship.

You need to keep in mind the one you are arguing with is on your team. The rest of the world may try to beat you both up but you shouldn’t do it to each other. If this was a perfect world there wouldn’t be any need for conflict.

However, it’s not perfect and neither are the people in it. As long as you are alive you will have issues to deal with. It’s not the issues that make you who you are its how you handle them.

Since arguments in the marriage are unavoidable at times. Laying down some ground rules before the first one even starts would be a good idea. Now this is something you and your spouse need to be able to agree upon to get it to work.  Here are a few suggestions for you.

1.   No weapons. This is just a simple disagreement not a war there is no need for anybody to get hurt. So,no guns, knives, frying pans or rolling pins should be involved.

2.  No hitting or throwing things at each other. You didn’t get married to be somebody’s target or punching bag.

3.  No name calling. The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is a lie! The words coming from someone you love can put you on cloud 9 or can cut right to your heart. Many things are said during an argument that otherwise would never had been. Then it’s too late to take them back the damage is already done.

Just a little word to the wise on this one, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. On the flip side you can’t stop them either. Wouldn’t it be to your benefit to lead your horse to pure water vs. poisoned? In other words when you call you spouse a name you just blessed them or cursed them and gave your permission for them to be that way.

4.  No yelling or screaming. Good grief you are in the same room so you should be able to hear each other just fine. There is no sense sharing you problems with the neighbors. Leave your skeletons in your own closet.

5.  No exaggerating. For example saying “you never take the trash out or I always do the dishes.” Just stick to the facts without all the melodrama to get the argument over with so you can both move on to something more pleasant.

6.  No lying. If you messed up go ahead say it “I was wrong” and take your whacks so to speak and get it over with. But don’t lie about it. You’ll end up telling more lies to cover up the first one. And when the truth does come out (and it will) you will have lost the trust and respect in the relationship.

7.  No bringing up past issues. Some people are list makers and that is a good thing. But not when they make a list of every thing that ever offended them that their mate ever did. Forgive and not necessarily forget but just don’t bring it up again. All you are doing with a list like that is trying to justify your reasons for a divorce. If you have a list, burn it now!

8.  No interrupting each other. It’s disrespectful to your spouse and just plain rude. Everybody wants their view point to be heard and understood and until that happens nothing is really going to be settled anyway.

9.  No hitting below the belt. It has nothing to do with rule number 2. In a verbal argument in the marriage you know your mate better than anyone else does. They have shared things with you that they haven’t told any other person. They may not be proud of some of them but they needed to get it off their chest. To bring those things up in an argument is hitting below the belt. It could make them become defensive, lash out and possibly forget all the rest of the rules. They will feel you betrayed their trust and too vulnerable to ever want to open up to you again. It’s a no win situation so don’t even go there!

10. No criticism. Just stick to the issue that started the argument. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by criticizing your mate. It will no longer be an argument in the marriage it could end up being an all out fight.

Some people just love to argue but I’m not one of them. Peace is always better than conflict in my books. Since you can’t avoid all conflict in a marriage a few ground rules could lighten the causality rate and avoid any feelings getting hurt in the process.

Your mate may not play by all these rules, but if you do. You won’t be the one that has to apologize later after it is all said and done. And here is a trick to how you can do this.

First you have to be able to control your thoughts. If you get zinged with and insult or criticism just consider the source. If they were so smart there wouldn’t be a need for this argument in the first place.

Second control your feelings. Third control your emotions.

Here is how it works. If you can control your thoughts and consider the source you can control your feelings. When you can control your feelings then you can control your emotions. When you can control your emotions then you can control your actions. When you can control your actions then you can control your reactions.

And reactions uncontrolled in an argument in the marriage are never a good thing. Trust me on this one! It’s a pot hole you’ll be glad you drove around.

When you find yourselves having more disagreements than usual, quite often it’s because the love is fading and frustrations are building up. Then the little things that were once ignored are now big aggravations and a reason to fight.

When all along the issue that started the argument was just an excuse for attention. Sometimes even negative attention is better than none at all. It’s a sad situation to be in but some folks will settle for sad vs. doing something about it.

They risk destroying their marriage with an argument that got out of hand. And over some insignificant little matter too. When all they had to do is learn how to restore the love.