Issues in a Marriage

Issues in a Marriage

If you have a husband or a wife then you have issues in a marriage. There can be a lot of them and we’ll talk about some in a minute but it’s really not the issues themselves that cause the problems it’s how they are handled.

Every since time began we have all been allotted 24 hours in a day. And for some reason we have to take somewhere between 4 to 8 of them to sleep. Some people more than that and my hat is off to you if you can get away with it.

My thinking is why we have to sleep is because our parents would have killed us when we were small if they had to deal with us 24 hours 7 days a week with no breaks.

You would think in our modern day world with all the time saving automobiles, washing machines, micro wave ovens, cell phones and all the other high tech things we have to make our lives easier. We wouldn’t have any problems. Did I mention indoor plumbing?

Our Grand parents didn’t have all these things to make their lives easier and did just fine without as many issues in a marriage as we have today. Maybe it was because after cutting the fire wood for heating and cooking and doing the laundry by hand and walking every where they went or hooking up the horse to the buggy they were just too tired to complain.

Maybe it’s just the times we are in now. And we are a bit spoiled and self centered. We tend to complain if the roll of toilet paper is hanging the wrong way to suit us. Good grief those folks were happy to get a Sears and Roebuck catalog to take to the outhouse.

Personally, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to trade places in time with them myself! We are living in the good old days as far as I’m concerned.

One of the problems that cause the issues in marriage comes from over committing ourselves. Every marriage is different so in this scenario let’s take a young couple for an example.

They want to spend as much time together as possible. They have 24 hours a day but during 8 of it one or both have to work and that leaves 16. Then they have to sleep so there goes another 8 and that leaves just 8.

That leaves them plenty of time to bond, not a problem. Then they decide to have children and mom loses about 2 hours of sleep when the baby is small which makes her a little grouchy and dad works a couple hours of over time. And that leaves 6 hours for bonding.

They decided to have another child so the first one wouldn’t grow up as an only child or maybe mom just took serious what dad poked at her in fun. Anyway the second child is on the way.

Mom still gets 6 hours of sleep, 5 if dad is frisky. Dad decides to take some college classes to get a better job so that leaves about 4 hours twice a week for bonding.

The children are in school now and dad has a better job which requires some traveling. They decide to buy a nicer home and mom joins the PTA. One child is in sports and the other one has music lessons. Life is getting a little hectic at this point. That’s why you have children when you are young.

With the nicer home comes the monthly home owner association meeting on top of the PTA meetings. Dad is getting a little paunchy so he joins a gym.

After the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doctor and dentist appointments, the laundry, lawn care, bill paying, music lessons, sports, and meetings that leaves them about 2 hours a night for bonding with about 6 hours of sleep and they both are a little grouchy now causing major issues in a marriage.

On top of that Grandmother dies and Granddad needs some help at his home. This leaves the couple with no time for bonding just sleeping.

The good news is that is does get better if you ride out the storm. Granddad gets remarried, the kids grow up and go off to college and you both retire. You can enjoy your grandchildren and watch your children go through some of the same issues in a marriage that you went through.

Just a little warning for parents or in-laws when it comes to issues in a marriage. There is a reason why children are called kids and that’s because they are stubborn and hard headed as a Billy goat.

You may have all the answers to their problems, but unless they ask for your advice you are wasting your breath. Now, that doesn’t make them bad kids, because some people just have to do things the hard way to learn their own lessons.

I bet you are like me though; it’s a whole lot easier to learn from someone else’s mistakes. Why walk through that mud puddle when you have seen what it did to their shoes.

Wow, that was a bit of a rabbit trail. Sorry about that! I tend to write like I think what ever comes to mind even if it is a little off subject. Love me or hate me I can’t please everybody.

Anyway, back to issues in a marriage. You are going to have them and there is no way around it. The trick is to go through them gracefully as possible. Keeping in mind that your spouse is not the enemy, he/she is your best friend! Or should be anyway.

More than likely you will out live your parents and your children will grow up and leave you for someone else. That’s just how it works. So, who’s left? Your spouse.

You must have some issues in a marriage or you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog right now. Unless you are my Mom. If that’s the case, Hi Mom.

For the rest of you with marital problems there is hope! The only bad news is that it is really up to you if it will get better or not.

Let me explain. If you want your mate to be more loving, kind, sweet, or whatever attribute you can think of all you have to do is lead by example. You know it takes two to tango but it only takes one to lead. All you have to do is be the leader.

Think about this. You are at an airport waiting for a flight and a total stranger comes up to you and fires up a conversation with you and even goes as far to compliment you on something.

One thing leads to another and you find out you have something in common. Was it hard to like that person after that? Who knows if the plane was delayed long enough you may have even exchanged phone numbers or e-mail addresses.

What made you like that person? Was it because they complimented you instead of insulting you? Being human myself it’s hard to like someone that insults me. But, I will make an exception for you if you would like to leave a comment at the end of this article.

The point is words are powerful! And I can’t stress that enough! Once they come out of our mouth we can’t take them back. It’s like trying to un-ring a bell, it can’t be done. Our words might as well be carved in stone once we say them because they will affect somebody for good or bad.

What kind of words do you want ringing in you spouse’s ears that came from your mouth? Something that lifts them up or something that puts them down? Which would you like to hear from your spouse?

When we treat a total stranger better than we do our spouse that causes issues in a marriage. And it should be a wake up call for us but for some reason it’s not.

I’m a home builder by trade and why I started this blog is a whole other story but since you are still reading let me share another rabbit trail with you.

I had an electrician working for me once and his son worked for him. Now his son wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. And it didn’t take long to figure out why.

He had worked for his dad for years and his dad treated him like a slave with no education at all. The dad would put him down in front of anybody in ear shot and call him every thing but a white man. It was embarrassing to even be around that kind of behavior.

The problem was the son looked up to the dad and the sad part was the dad told him how stupid he was constantly. This went on for so long he actually believed it and had no confidence in himself.

It was like him saying dad’s smart and if he says I’m dumb I must be dumb because dad wouldn’t lie to me. And excepted it.

Why would any one do that to their own child? Why do we treat our mates like that?

The answer is, out of ignorance.  We don’t realize how powerful our words are! Sure, it’s easy for a wife to say to her husband “you are the most inconsiderate man that ever lived.” Just because he forgot to take out the trash or something.

Yea, men are pretty forgetful at times. Especially when there is no appreciation involved. And it works the same for women too. Why would a wife do all the house work that it takes to keep a home clean when nobody seems to appreciate it?

Here is the psychology behind it. All humans need to feel like they have a value to someone. Why would he take out the trash or she do the dishes if it doesn’t bother them personally if that chore is done or not if nobody else appreciates it when they do.

So, there’s the trick to the whole matter. Whatever you want your mate to do for you just tell them one time. And be patient, if it takes him 2 weeks to take out the trash or until you are out of silverware before she does the dishes whatever the case is just be patient. Or do it yourself and don’t say anything about it.

The smart thing to do is just be patient though. And after they do the chore is to reward them some how and let them know how much you really appreciate them for doing it for you. The bigger the reward the more willing they will be to do it the next time. After a few times of that you will have them trained and a simple thank you honey could be enough.

If that doesn’t work there is another tactic that might be helpful for you.

There is a thing called constructive criticism. How it works is, you give two or three compliments and then you state the main issue that you want solved and then another compliment or two at the end.

In doing it that way your spouse doesn’t feel like they just got the pudding beat out of them.  And more than likely because you used some diplomacy in the process they will be happy to comply.

Not in all cases, but try it anyway you may be surprised how well it works. There is an old saying you catch more flies with sugar then you do with vinegar. And it’s true!

If you are having issues in a marriage I don’t have a magic wand but you do and the proper term for it is called your “tongue.”  Proverbs says “death and life is in the power of the tongue.” So, chose your words carefully.

Hope this helps and gives you something to think about. Want some more useful tips?

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