I Love You But I’m Not “In Love” With You

I Love You But I’m Not “In Love” With You

Did your spouse tell you, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you?”

What does that statement mean?

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness.

A person who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” is making a distinction between 2 different feelings. But NEITHER of those feelings are love!

When a person says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you,” they’re saying that I CARE about you but I’m not EXCITED about you.

CARING about someone is a good thing. It’s reflective of CONCERN. But it’s different than love. I care about the starving children in Africa, but I don’t love them.

Being EXCITED about someone is also a good thing. But it’s different than love. I might be excited to have a relationship with the President of the United States or a Hollywood star, but that doesn’t mean I love them.

While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?).

Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION. Love is a verb. It’s not a feeling you get from another PERSON; it’s an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person.

And those deeds are not a secret. In other words, love is NOT a mystery! There are specific things you can do with your spouse to solve your problems and build love in your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable—you can “make” love.

This is exactly why I created the Marriage Fitness program. I wanted to offer people a step-by-step system to make and maintain love in their marriage. And the program works for any marriage, even if only one spouse does it.

Very often in my private coaching sessions, someone will say to me, “I love my spouse, but I’m not IN LOVE with my spouse.”

My immediate response is to ask, “Can you list for me 5 ways in the last week that you’ve DEMONSTRATED your love for your spouse?”

I usually hear noise on the other end of the phone; grunts, partial statements, and gasps for breath, but none of what I hear ever passes for an answer to my question.

“I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”

Of course, this is all fine and good, but it’s really your spouse who needs to hear this, right?

Do NOT print this email out and give it to them. And do NOT tell them what I said.

Getting your spouse from “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” to “Okay, let’s give this another chance” is a tricky task. If this is your situation, it’s crucial you handle it strategically. One false step and your marriage could be over. If you take the right steps, you can draw your spouse back in and begin to restore your marriage TOGETHER. How do you do that?

Learn more about the Marriage Fitness system of relationship renewal by subscribing to my FREE report, “7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage” and getting a FREE marriage assessment. Click here to subscribe. It’s FREE.

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel

Author of Marriage Fitness

Marriage Coach


  1. BJ Keeling
    Posted April 2, 2010 at 3:10 am | Permalink

    i have a question me and my wife split up after 3 yrs of up and down marriage been split up for 3 days! said she needs time to be alone and evaluate and see if she still loves me! is there such thing as someone doing that? or is that a nice way of letting me go! and how do i convince her not to throw in the towel even though we are seperated?

  2. admin
    Posted April 2, 2010 at 1:32 pm | Permalink

    Unfortunately BJ it happens all the time but, that doesn’t mean your marriage is over! There are several articles on this blog that can help you now that you have a little extra time on your hands. Just give her a little space and more than likely she will be back but, if changes aren’t made she could leave for good next time.
    I wish you the best!

  3. Erin
    Posted April 6, 2010 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    I have been going to marriage counselling with my husband and I feel like nothing has helped me until I read this. I feel that way towards him, I feel like I never fell in love with him in the first place, we married because we have children together. I know thats the wrong reason but I keep hoping that I can get rid of my bitterness towards him, respect him, have a good sex life, and contentment in our marriage. I don’t because I feel he doesn’t respect me and love me for who I am. I feel like he wants me around for my looks and sex and to take care of the kids and house and him. He doesn’t care about things I like to talk about and he doesn’t really care about my feelings. He would be lost without me. I’m rambling but I am hoping there is hope and a way to make this work. I know most situations like mine end in divorce. I’d like to prove that statistic wrong if I can. I want my kids having their real mommy and daddy together and loving each other.

  4. admin
    Posted April 6, 2010 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    I would like to see you prove the statistics wrong too Erin!
    I hope you signed up for Mort’s 7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage there is a lot of helpful information in it.

  5. Erin
    Posted April 7, 2010 at 12:57 pm | Permalink

    I signed up for it last night and I LOVE IT. I found this site from a guy who posted in the marriage/divorce category of yahoo answers. I was looking for some answers and I think I found one….

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