Your Marriage Starts with You

Your Marriage Starts with You

It’s as plain as the nose on your face but, often over looked that your marriage starts with you. Start is the key word here. It’s not all about you even though you are one of the principal players.

You have to realize your own role and what you have to offer in your marriage. And more importantly how you offer it. Specifically your attitude. And yes that can make all the difference in the world on how your marriage will go.

If you showed up to work grumpy every day your boss would probably fire you because that’s not the kind of team player he wants to deal with. You end up being part of the problem instead of the solution to him.

Whether you have a good attitude or bad attitude it can be contagious and affect everyone around you, especially in your marriage. And that’s why I say your marriage starts with you.

Now, there are some things in this life that you just don’t have any control over but, your attitude is NOT one of them. Believe it or not, all you have to do to change a negative attitude into a positive is say two little words. THANK YOU!

It’s called gratitude and you can’t be truly grumpy and truly grateful at the same time. Sure, you can be grumpy and say thank you but, the more you say it the more gratitude will start to manifest and take over.

A little boy wanted to go fishing so, his grandpa came and picked him up one morning, took him to a store and bought him his very own fishing pole and some tackle and they spent the day fishing.

When grandpa dropped him off his mother asked him if he thanked his grandpa for the new fishing pole and for taking him fishing. The little boy didn’t say a word so, his mother asked him again. And still he stayed quite.

She asked him the third time and demanded an answer. The little boy said when I thanked grandpa for the new fishing pole and for taking me fishing he said don’t mention it.

Since you’re not a little boy and your marriage starts with you its okay to mention it and show appreciation to your mate. Common courtesies can take complacency out of a relationship and it’s the first step of going the extra mile.

Do you remember dating your mate? And all the hassle you would put yourself through for a date just so you could get a good night kiss (a bite). And now that you’re married and have had the full meal deal you wouldn’t get off the sofa to help your mate if their hair was on fire.

Is that how your mate is treating you? It could be that’s the way they feel you’re treating them. Need I remind you, that your marriage starts with you but, it can end because of you also.

If your marriage or your life in general is just mediocre then you’re not taking enough chances. You’ve settled into your little comfort zone like we all tend to do at times but, it can get more boring than comfortable after a while. So, take a leap of faith, be willing to go the extra mile and take the first step.

The only difference between being a leader and a follower is just a step or two! In most cases you don’t even have to go the whole extra mile but, just be willing to if necessary.

Realizing your marriage starts with you, the advantages of a grateful attitude and going the extra mile is really nothing new to you. Because, that’s what you used to do when you were dating. And that’s exactly what brought on that warm and fuzzy feeling that made you feel like you were in love in the first place.

And in reality it’s the perfect marriage control. Think about it for just a minute. If knowing your marriage starts with you was the key and you start on going that extra mile with a positive attitude wouldn’t your mate start noticing you again like he did when you were dating?

If you’ll make a habit of doing this you’ll get better at it and it will become so easy to do without even having to think about it. Although just like most habits you’ll probably end up taking it to another level and find more ways to be pleasing to your mate.

And in the process you’ll become more valuable and irreplaceable to him. You won’t have to worry about him going down the road of infidelity because, there’s no one out there that could possibly treat him any better than you do.

Once you grasp the idea of your marriage starts with you to heart and take the personal initiative to start acting on it, your marriage will gain a new since of purpose and direction. Your mate will cooperate with you more and could even spark up that old flame of passion again.

Okay I hear you. You say “But Chris you just don’t understand I’m living in a marriage mess right now. I don’t think I can do that.”

Okay, I’ll agree with you on that. Whether you think you can or think you can’t you’re right. You are the only one that can change you. And it’s really not my job to even try. I’ll tell you just like my own kids. All I can do for you is give you a different prospective, some sound advice and what you do with it is totally up to you.

Since your marriage starts with you, you could wait for your mate to change. How’s that working out so far? The problem with change is it can go in the wrong direction if you’re not willing take control and guide it on the path you would like.

A relationship is like water in a pipe. If the pipe is level the water will just sit there and stagnate or if the pipe is sloped the water will naturally flow down hill. But, if you apply a little pressure to one end you can move that water either direction you choose.

If you try to apply pressure on your mate to change, more then likely your relationship will go down hill fast. And if you don’t do anything it will just sit there until it stagnates and will be worthless to you both. But, if you are willing to put a little pressure of change on your end, you could pump your marriage up to new heights you never thought possible.

Okay, I hear you. “But, Chris you don’t know my mate! It sounds like a lot of work on my part and it won’t change them one little bit, we’ll probably end up getting a divorce anyway.”

Well, I guess that’s always a possibility after all your marriage does start with you and if you want to think that way you’ll probably be right. However, I’ve witnessed it working for my own parents’ years ago and they’ll be celebrating their 59th wedding anniversary in June.

My question to you is: If you’re not willing to make any changes and you can’t push your mate into changing. (But, you can lead) Just how do you reckon your marriage will ever get any better?  You reap the seeds that you sow so, you need faith like a farmer.

Here’s what I mean. A farmer has to buy or rent his equipment and fields, plow them, plant his seeds, fertilize and spray for weeds.  All at his own expense of time, labor and money, without any compensation at all to start with.

And in about five to six months later he could see a payday if his fields don’t flood out in the spring. If his crops get enough rain, if there’s not some kind of blight or bugs eating his crops, if he has no hail or tornado damage, if his equipment doesn’t brake down and if the weather permits him, to even be able to get into his fields to harvest them before winter comes.

Now, that’s a whole lot of ifs there for one payday. Why do you reckon a farmer would take that big of a risk? Could it be because, it’s an easy job or a sure thing? No, it’s because there is a track record of it working.

There’s no way I can promise you a storybook marriage but, if you’ll keep in mind that your marriage starts with you and take that leap of faith in yourself like a farmer does or at least take the first step of going the extra mile, you’ll improve your chances of having a better harvest.

Wow, I didn’t mean to write a book here! But, before we end our little your marriage starts with you chat, I’d like to make one more point. I know I’ve said this before but, just in case you missed it I’ll say it again.

People will only change if there is a compelling reason to or they think it was their own idea. People will only give up what they have in exchange for something else if they can see a benefit in it for them.

With that being said, if you decide to change you, just keep in mind that self improvement is all about yourself. If you have grasped the concept of your marriage starts with you then you will be the leader. And a real leader doesn’t stand behind others and push; they’re the one out in front and are noticed by others that want to follow.

You can’t buy a pet and not feed it! It would die and the same goes for a marriage. Just like taking care of a pet, a relationship requires some effort on your part to keep it healthy. Now it’s up to you on how much effort you’re willing to put into it.

If you’re ready to take control of your situation then take the first step on that extra mile and start yourself a list of things that you are grateful for. And don’t stop writing until you actually feel grateful. Yes, it’s called counting your blessings and it’s a great attitude adjuster.

It gets your mind off of what you don’t have and on what you do. Then the next thing you know you’ll be figuring out ways to improve what you do have and won’t even think about what you don’t.

Just a little side note here: How about leaving me a comment and let me know if this was helpful to you.

If you need more help my friend Mort is a marriage coach that has helped thousands of couples get through the rough stages of their relationships. Just click on the link at the end and see what he can do for you. You won’t even have to leave your home to get his help.

Thanks for coming to our little chat about your marriage starts with you.


Marriage Max


One Comment

  1. claudia
    Posted July 17, 2013 at 6:48 pm | Permalink

    Thank you. I have read it twice now and you are right. I need to change my attitude in my marriage, towards my spouse and my child and even my whole life. Including how I feel about me. I have hated myself for so long and I find it hard to believe that others love me and I have been very angry and resentful, jealous and envious. Too deep in depression and now even worse since my husband left home.

    Chris: Claudia those self-defeating lying thoughts just have to be replaced. So, the next time you get one take out two pieces of paper and on the first one write that lie out. Then on the second one write out the truth. For instance if you had the thought nobody loves me. Well, you know that’s a lie! Put that down on the first paper and on the second one write out I’m loved by….. and name the people who love you. Your list of people will grow because if you believe your loved you will be more lovable. Now, wad that first paper up and throw it in the trash were it belongs. And never dig it out. You have the truth now to keep and reread for assurance if the thought ever comes back. But, it may not because lies don’t like to be exposed.

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