Failing Marriage

Failing Marriage

Failing marriage is similar to failing a class in school. We have to start all over again from page one with a new partner after a divorce. However, if we learned anything the first time around it shouldn’t be quite as hard.

The trick is, just like in school, if we apply our self a little bit more we don’t have to fail the first time around. We can try to use excuses like the dog ate my home work in school but, excuses didn’t work then and they really don’t now either.

No, I’m sorry! We get to take the credit or the blame for a failing marriage. We either didn’t do enough home work before we got married in the first place or not enough home work after we got married.

Before Marriage Home Work

As kids we read the storybook marriages and all the fairy tales and we liked to believe that was how life really worked. So, we finally met our prince charming or Cinderella and figured we would live happily ever after.

And in some cases that’s true. Although, just like in school we have to ask the right questions if we want to know the answers. So, there is no wonder people are in a failing marriage if they didn’t even know the right questions to ask.

We’ve all heard the saying that love is blind and it’s true because we tend to only see what we want to see. We’ll over look major issues that can cause problems for us later on down the road and focus on the outside appearance now.

Another saying is you can’t judge a book by its cover and that’s true too. We have to open it up and at least read the index to get a sense of what it’s about before we buy it. Since people aren’t books and even if they were, there would be unfinished chapters ready to be written.

So, it takes real communication before we make any kind of commitment to see where the story is heading. Because, after a commitment we’ll be a coauthor then, and there is no way to rewrite up to that point.

Now at the same time we’ve already got our own book started and they will be a coauthor as well. The question is: Do we trust them enough to help us start and finish a storybook marriage or are we willing to take a chance and possibly end it with a failing marriage instead?

Compatibility, Compromise or Combat

We all have three choices before we get married. And they are to be compatible, compromise or combat. Although, we do have to compromise on smaller issues but, it’s so much easier to find out if we’re compatible on the main ones before there is a commitment resulting in combat that can lead to the failing marriage fiasco.

Infatuation only lasts so long and then the honeymoon is over. And what may be a little issue to one could be huge to the other. We all have our goals, dreams and desires that we want out of life and having a mate with the same ones makes them turn into a reality that much sooner.

We all want to marry our soul mate and have peace in our home. But, that’s almost impossible if we don’t take the time to do a little soul searching on ourselves. How can we find the right one for a lasting relationship if we don’t even know what we want?

Since your marriage starts with you wouldn’t it make sense to write down a list of your priorities, expectations and fundamental beliefs?  Some of them may change over time and then others are more or less carved in stone where there is no room for compromise and will cause conflict and end up causing a failing marriage.

Soul Searching Subjects

Before making a commitment to someone for life there are a few subjects that should be rated for how important they are to us. On a scale from one to ten, one being very important to us and our partner must be compatible because, it’s carved in stone and there is no room for compromise.

Religion would be a good place to start since we’re talking soul searching here. And then abortion, admiration, administration, adoption, affirmation, alcohol, allegations, anger, arguments, assets, attitude, authority, automobiles, bisexuality, beliefs, boredom, boys, budget, children, chores, clothes, courtesy, commitment, common interests, common sense, communication, compliments, consideration, correcting children, credit cards, crying, cursing, debts, dates, dependence, desires, disagreements, divorce, dreams, drugs, education, ex’s, expectations, faith, faithfulness, family, feelings, fidelity, fighting, food, forgiveness, fornication, frustrations, gambling, girls, goals, gratitude, guns, habits, happiness, health, histories, hobbies, holidays, home, honesty, hygiene, infidelity, in-laws, insurance, jealousy, jobs, judgment, killing, kindness, laws, leisure time, life style, likes and dislikes, liquor, love, marriage, money, morals, naked, number of children, obsessions, openness, pornography, pregnancy, pride, privacy, problem solving, plans, punishment, quarrels, quality time, reliability, reasonability, respect, responsibility, rights, rules, safety, self control, sex, smoking, STD’s, suggestions, support, toilet seat, tolerance, toys, trust, understanding, vacation, values, vows, wedding, willingness, work, yelling,

This is not a total list of issues that can come up in a marriage but, it is a good one to start with. If you can think of some more leave a comment and I’ll add it to the list.

The Top 3 Tools in a Marriage Tool Box

WARNING: As with most tools, they have a specific purpose to do one thing well when handled correctly. However, when misused or used as a weapon they may cause irreparable damage.

 

Communication: or lack of is one of the biggest causes for a failing marriage. When used openly, honestly and respectfully we can get our point a crossed. Communication goes both ways and requires listening as well as speaking. However, it’s not limited to just verbal because, actions do speak louder than words.

There will always be disagreements causing arguments in the marriage so, setting some ground rules ahead of time could keep small issues from getting out of hand.

Almost every major issue causing a failing marriage can be traced back to communication. Whether inappropriate, deceptive, or just nonexistent, communication can make or break a relationship.

Just a little side note for younger women and some older ones that don’t have this figured out yet. Whining, complaining and nagging only drives your husband farther away from you! And lessons his desire to communicate with you, after a while he’ll tune you out altogether.

Men crave to be admired and respected so, instead of negative talk show him some appreciation when he does what you want him to do and he’ll do more of it just to get your praise.

And in the process you’ll be covering him with a slut proof armor and eliminate one of the major causes of a failing marriage as long as you’re using the third tool in our tool box and doing your own home work.

Finances: Money issues are toward the bottom of the list causing a failing marriage but, it can still cause major issues if not agreed upon ahead of time. Marriage is a partnership just like in a business so; money in marriage is an important issue.

There needs to be a game plan on how the money is used. What one might consider a necessity the other partner may call a luxury. A tent technically is a form of shelter but, one partner may not want to call it home.

Goals, life style and a budget have to be agreed on by both partners and compromises will have to be made for emergencies. In some marriages each partner handles their own money and pays certain bills in others all the money goes into the same account and one pays all the bills.

It really doesn’t matter how it’s done or who’s responsible for making sure it gets handled properly as long as there is trust, accountability and agreement by both parties.

Sex: Whether used for pleasure, bonding or procreation it has to be rated in the top three tools of our marriage tool box. And when used properly can hold a relationship together but, when used as a weapon or outside of the relationship it’s one of the top three causes for a failing marriage.

After Marriage Home Work

Let’s take Abe and Babe for an example (factious names) they’re like most people that didn’t do their pre-marriage home work; they just assumed that they had enough common interests to be compatible. Then after the honey moon was over the real compromising started until Babe felt like she was doing all the giving in.

She felt like she was being controlled or being used, her temper started to flair, the combat started, the war began and the word divorce comes flying out of no where. That’s a pretty good sign of a failing marriage.

All of the tools in the marriage tool box became weapons to use against the other. Communication got loud and hurtful instead of being kind; sex was no longer used for bonding or pleasure it was with held until she got her way.

And the real sign of a failing marriage was when Abe wanted to take his marbles and go play some where else so, the checking account got cleaned out and a lawyer was put on retainer.

In reality though what really changed to cause all their problems to begin with? Aren’t they the same two people that fell in love with each other? Doesn’t love conquer all?

Well true love does conquer all when two people use it to band together but, it’s not meant to conquer your partner with. And yes they still are the two same people. The problem is the new wore off the relationship.

It’s just like a teenager with their first car. They are so proud of it and wash it once a week, make sure the oil is changed regularly and even buy things for it to fix it up to make it look unique.

But, after awhile the new wears off, it gets its first dent and it gets less attention and is just used for transportation until the wheels fall off, the engine dies for lack of maintenance or another one catches their eye.

There are some similarities to a car and marriage. They both need maintenance to keep them running and looking good for the owner. The big difference is cars aren’t people that have feelings.

When Abe and Babe were dating they saw their relationship going places, which it did all the way past the honey moon before it started looking like a failing marriage. Babe didn’t show him as much respect and admiration as she did before so, Abe didn’t show he as much attention making her feel unloved.

During the big blowout things were said that wasn’t really meant and feelings got hurt. They still loved each other but, it wasn’t quite the same as when they first fell in love. So, Abe moved out for a few weeks but, they both had a hard time sleeping. Babe suggested a marriage counselor but, Abe wanted nothing to do with that.

Then Babe found Mort Fertel’s Marriage Fitness Home-Flex CD’s ordered them and started listening and learning from them and Abe moved back home to work on their marriage together in the privacy of their own home.

Oh, sure Abe and Babe still have their share of disagreements every once in a while but, at least the divorce word doesn’t come flying out any more. They’ve learned to handle their problems and know how to agree to disagree when there is no room for compromise.

So, do they have the best marriage in the world just because of Mort Fertel and his teaching? Probably not but, at least they are still married and they seem to like it so, where’s the down side? They aren’t living in a failing marriage any more.

You could say that also if you wanted to stop your relationship from being failing marriage.

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