The Real Reason Why Affairs Happen

The Real Reason Why Affairs Happen

Have you ever wondered about the real reason why affairs happen? Or how you could keep them from happening to you? If you have, then here are four words where it all starts, “a lack of communication”.

All relationships begin with some sort of communication. Maybe you met in person, on line, over the phone or possibly any number of other means. Multibillion dollar industries have been created because people have a natural desire to communicate.

It’s impossible to really know someone without communicating with them. Sure, you could hear about them from someone else. And actually get a sense of like or dislike but, you can’t really get to know them without spending time with them yourself. Can You?

We all have an emotional need to be understood. So, if there’s a lack of communication with our mate then there’s a feeling of being neglected, trivialized or ignored. And the real reason why affairs happen is because someone else comes along and gives us the understanding we desire.

Infidelity Doesn’t Start In a Bed It Starts In Our Head

When we find our self with someone of the opposite gender that fulfills that need, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable to an emotional affair. And that’s where physical affairs start. The fact is infidelity doesn’t start in a bed it starts in our head.

Maybe it starts out innocent enough and we just talk about common interests. Then a few compliments get thrown into the conversation and boosts our ego. They’re validating our sense of self worth which is lacking from our marriage.

The real reason why affairs happen still boils down to a lack of communication with our mate and too much with a friend. (A little side note) If we have a friend that we can’t tell our spouse about, we can’t afford to have that friend in our life without risking infidelity.

This is not rocket science or anything that hard to figure out. We naturally gravitate to anyone that will give us the understanding we crave or self assurance and makes us feel special.

Crossing The Line

So, when is the line crossed before an affair happens? The real reason why affairs happen becomes closer to a reality the split second we start entertaining the thought of infidelity in our mind.

The longer we dwell on something the more likely it is we’ll follow through with it. An invisible line is crossed when we feel an attraction to our friend and keep communicating with them anyway.

Then the next thing we know we are coming up with all kinds of ways to justify our inappropriate actions. Most of them are far fetched and untrue. Somehow that doesn’t seem to matter at the time.

The red flags are waving in our face and we choose to ignore them. After all we may never have a chance with this kitty cat again. And we want to keep petting as long as they’re purring.

Trying to Beat The Odds

A smart gambler knows their odds ahead of time and how much they are willing to risk on a bet. A cheating spouse doesn’t think that far in advance and unknowingly risks everything. And this leads us back to the real reason why affairs happen.

Life changing decisions should be discussed with our mate before hand. What do we think would happen if we called home and said “Hey honey I’m in this motel room with my friend”?

What could we expect to hear on the other end? Have fun; see you when you get home? Very unlikely! The reason we never make a call like that is because; the line of communication was broken down way before then.

So, we’re feeling hot and having no limits. We decide to start the deal thinking we’re some sort of high roller. And become an active player, skip the ante and go all in, risking our entire bank roll.

The best we can really hope for is to get lucky, hit the jack pot and have a few more sessions before we bust. But, the odds are not in our favor when we bet against the house and have an affair. And what usually happens is we try to play a wild card or bluff our way out before we loose.

Ounce of Prevention

The real reason why affairs happen is from a lack of communication so, we can stop an affair before or after it happens if we are willing and really want to. Although it’s much easier to stop an affair before it starts rather than after.

All we have to do is show our mate everyday what they mean to us. This doesn’t have to be anything huge, costly or extravagant, just in some small way show our partner how much we appreciate them.

A shoulder rub when they’re busy, a hug when we pass them in the hallway. Even a small thing like a kiss good bye when we leave for work shows them that we care about them. A sincere compliment is always good for expressing our value of them.

We have to do our part in this relationship and be their best friend and encourager. It’s not our job to belittle or put them down. That’s rather self defeating if you stop and think about it. Because they will return the favor, we’ll drive them away or both.

Temporary Insanity

Feelings are going to be hurt in the discovery of infidelity whether it’s admitted or found out. Either way for the cheater it’s not a fun place to be! And the one who was cheated on is going to go through one of the hardest times of their life.

At this point the real reason why affairs happen can be drilled down even deeper into if we want to save our marriage. Most affairs start out as an emotional affair and can end right there or they can go on and turn into a physical affair.

Once it gets physical it can be broken into 7 different kinds. And each kind of affair is recognizable by the excuse given by the cheater. Some of them are easier to over come than others because each excuse has its own set of issues.

And when we understand those issues they can be conquered. Knowledge is the key if we want to break free from the affair and all the emotional mind clutter that goes along with it and save our marriage. Without it, we spend our time just reacting to their insanity.

Action vs. Reaction

Dr. Robert Huizenga has spent over 20 years researching and dealing with couples going through this fiasco called adultery. He has sifted through all the feces that came out of the mouths of cheaters, otherwise known as excuses.

Usually it’s not the real reason why affairs happen but how they self justified their actions in their own mind. And what he discovered was there are 7 common piles of B. S. Now that’s not exactly how Dr. Huizenga describes it but that’s what it boils down to.

In his book Break Free From the Affair he shows the spouse of a cheater how to take action against all those excuses instead of just reacting to them. He gives the exact words to say and actions to do to overcome the excuse and break through the insanity of it all.

Once a spouse is armed with this information they’ll know what the cheater is going to do before they do themselves. Because there are only so many ways to squirm and try to wiggle out of it when they’re pinned down by the truth.

There’s no magic wand to wave or button to push to make these issues go away. This is a tangled up mess that takes the average person 2 to 4 years to sort out when they go it alone whether they stay married or not. But it doesn’t have to take that long for you.

Most people are trusting by nature. If your spouse had an affair than it’s obvious they must have lied to you some where along the line. Wouldn’t it be nice to know the next time they try and how to get to the real truth? Dr. Huizenga shows you how to do that.

He’ll also explain your odds on saving your marriage for all the different kinds of affairs and how to improve them if you want to. And he also makes it crystal clear who’s fault it was for the affair to happen in the first place. But you already know the answer to that.

I’m sure you have a lot of well meaning friends saying you need a divorce and maybe even recommended a lawyer to you already. It sounds like the easy way out of a painful situation but it’s not always easy and it’s really not a pain reliever for an affair either, especially if you have kids together.

80% of those who divorce during an affair regret their decision later. That’s what usually happens when we make a knee jerk type of reaction instead of exploring all of our options. And get all the information to make a weighed out, thought out informed decision.

So, before you put a lawyer on retainer and make the life changing choice of divorce. Can I make a suggestion? Why not just see how Dr. Huizenga can help you Break Free From the Affair. And get past this gut wrenching heart breaking pain you’re going through.

The whole situation totally vacuums right now, I KNOW! But, if you didn’t still have feelings for your spouse you wouldn’t be reading this. Now, would you?

I realize your time is valuable to you just like everyone Else’s is. The goal here is NOT to waste your time but, to give you some more. There are at least two processes you never want to start prematurely without all the facts, so you won’t have regrets later. One is embalming and the other one is divorce.

Since your mate’s not dead, even though, that would be easier for you to handle right now. We can eliminate the embalming process and look at it as a second chance. And before you start the divorce process you have some questions that really need to be answered. And only you can do that.

Before we get into the questions let me just say, advice is cheap and everyone has an opinion. But,the last thing you need right now is someone telling you how you should feel and how you should react. Friends and family mean well but, this is your life changing decision to make NOT theirs. If they truly love you they’ll stand behind you whatever you decide.

Now the questions: Isn’t everyone susceptible to temptation under the right circumstances? Haven’t even you yielded to some form of temptation before? Yeah, me too, we’re human. Just like your mate. As humans we’re driven by emotions and justify our actions with logic. But, sometimes they’re not very logical at all.

If you didn’t love your mate, s/he couldn’t hurt you, you’d care less what they did. So, as painful as their actions were to you, it proves you still care for them. But, can you forgive them and work through the temporary pain to gain an even better relationship than you had before?

For someone in your situation, that’s a HUGE decision to make. I’m sure, just finding out about the affair rocked your foundation worse than any earth quake could. But, until you decide to forgive them or move on with your life without them, your running in quick sand, not getting anywhere.

The choice is up to you though. Personally, I’m all for and about relationships especially marriage. That’s why I invest so much time in this site to help couples stay together. But, I can’t make any decisions for you, after all it’s your life and you have to live with you own choices.

The best I can do for you is make suggestions. And you can take them or not. I’ve have the privilege to live on this earth for the last 54 years. And been in a good relationship for 23 of them. It wasn’t all good all the time but, considering we have to deal with humans and all their emotional quirks it’s not too bad.

Life would be boring and lonely without relationships with other people. Even though they can be rotten pukes at times but, we have our moments too. If you think about it, without forgiveness we would constantly be looking for new friends. But, would they be any better than the ones we have now?

Probably not. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence. And quite often after the cheater jumps the fence and gets a different perspective on things, they see their own grass is really much more greener than they ever realized before.

The point is: If the cheater keeps coming home, it means you have the home field advantage. And if you want to know how to use it for all it’s worth and score big time then just scroll back up to any blue link and click it.

2 Comments

  1. Posted September 13, 2011 at 9:46 am | Permalink

    I am big on respect and so I don’t believe in affairs if you’re married let’s say. So, if you see your life together not going well I would respect the other side and break this marriage before moving on. It’s a shame people don’t respect others feeling and then when it’s discovered it becomes real ugly.

  2. Posted June 14, 2013 at 5:59 pm | Permalink

    Excellent post on infidelity. I like the insight you gave about where infidelity starts. One of the main concerns that people have is that it starts in the bedroom, but really it does start in the heart first.

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