Trust After an Affair

Trust After an Affair

For a cheater, the best place to start rebuilding trust after an affair is with sincere repentance. The injured mate is not God but they can make life a living hell without it. And even then forgiveness won’t come fast or easy.

The hurting spouse may not have the words to express their devastation. But riding out a tornado couldn’t have been any worse. With their home ripped to shreds, their prized possessions scattered to the wind and their head left spinning.

At least they would still have had trust in their mate. But not now! There is calm after a storm however, this isn’t a normal storm. It’s more like a tornado; hurricane and earth quake all rolled into one, that can shake the foundation of any marriage.

For the offended it’s like pulling the rug out from underneath them and giving them a brain concussion. At that point they would rather be in a coma and not have to feel the pain. But, since they’re not, they’ll tend to express their feelings, and it won’t be pretty.

Their mind is racing with emotions they’ve never felt before. Filled with unanswered questions and seeing images in their imagination that’s driving them crazy. They’re on mental overload and just want to shut down and deal with it later.

But they can’t. When they do fall asleep they have nightmares that keep waking them up. With the overwhelming life changing news of an affair all the trust they had in their mate blew up in their face. And feels like painful open wounds that’s going to leave scars if they ever heal.

When the offender makes up excuses or throws the blame on their partner, it tends to make matters worse. And a nonproductive conversation like that will only slow the healing process down.

It’s a long hard road to regain what was carelessly thrown away.

For the repentant cheater, they have to realize its like gambling at a casino and losing a year’s wages. There’s no way to put their losses back into a bank account over night, it’s going to take time with interest.

And that’s actually where the problem started to began with. They were paying interest on something they didn’t even own. Instead of on what they did! Now stupidity and ignorance can both be forgiven a lot easier than a deliberate act of betrayal.

An affair doesn’t just happen! It was a willful choice. With no concern about the mate at home who was expecting them to be faithful.

Trust after an affair requires honesty. After the cats out of the bag there’s no putting it back in. It’s time for the cheater to own up to the dishonesty and take responsibility for own their actions.

In order to do that, they need to do a lot of self examination. And figure out why they cheated on their mate instead of just leaving them for good. And what issues were they trying to solve with infidelity.

Whatever problems a marriage may be having, an affair won’t solve them. It makes about as much sense as trying to put a fire out in your home by your self with gasoline. All that tends to do is burn you and hurt anyone close to you.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense to ask for help? It would have been a lot less costly and less painful too.

Regaining Trust With Transparency

The first thing a cheater has to do if they want to get back together with their mate is understand. There’s no way to bring the trust back after an affair if they can’t comprehend what their mate is going through.

So, I’ll explain it like this. Say you have a really good friend that’s a lot bigger than you. And maybe you’re getting a long or maybe not so well at the time. Then all the sudden they haul off and give you a karate kick in the chest.

Do you think it might be an unexpected surprise to you? They gave you a few cracked ribs and a nasty bruise for your trouble of being their friend. (Thanks Pal) Now, how quick do you want to get close enough to give them another chance and trust them again?

Would you hate them because of what they did to you? Maybe, for awhile anyway? Even if you didn’t, you would have them on some kind of probation before you would be willing to totally trust them again. Wouldn’t you?

There you go! Now you understand how your jilted mate feels. And if you’re smart there are two things you’ll never want to say. #1 Get over it. Because your mate has to work things out in their own time in their own mind.

Rushing them is only ignoring their rights to their own feelings and showing them how insensitive you are to them. And #2 is Trust me. Trust may be given freely at first but after an affair it’s been abused and it has to be earned to get back.

And the best way to earn trust after an affair is to be faithful and transparent. Which means you can’t afford to let them have any doubts about you. Your life has to be an open book to your mate for awhile.

Let them check out your cell phone records. And any passwords for whatever you’re into on the computer. You’ll have to be accountable for every minute of your day when they’re not with you.

If you can’t do that you may as well pack your bags now. And if you’re fortunate they won’t ask you about every detail of the affair, but don’t count on it. Because, they want to know why they were feeling things weren’t going right when you were in the heat of passion with someone else.

Not necessarily to judge you but to let them know they weren’t going crazy. In every relationship there’s always one that loves more than the other. And apparently that one wasn’t the cheater at the time of the affair.

Now you really know how your mate feels! If, if, if. If you can be the one that loves more. If you can be transparent. If you can prove yourself to be faithful you’ll have a good chance to keep your mate.

If not you’re done. The bad news is, there’s still more to regaining the trust after an affair than what can be covered in just one article. The good news is “How to Survive an Affair” covers it all and more.

Dr Gunzburg lays out a step by step plan for the injured and the guilty party. Now I won’t tell you it’s going to be easy but with his process it’ll be easier. With a little time and when done in the right order the success rate is much better.

For the injured party the first step is to work through all the emotions. Stop the images in their head, get passed the pain and over the anger, before any productive conversation can take place.

For the cheater the first step is to stop the affair if it’s not already. Dig down to uncover the real truth of why the affair happened to began with. And acquire a compassionate understanding of the trauma they inflicted on their mate.

Without writing a book here because Dr. Gunzburg has already done that. I just wanted to give you a taste of what you can expect if you want to restore the trust after an affair.

And a warning: until at least one of the couple takes their first step, any conversation about it is futile. And usually does more harm than good. It’s always better when both partners take that step at the same time but step one is a walk you both need to take alone anyway.

The title “How to Survive an Affair” is a little deceiving. Because the goal of the book is not just to help you survive or even to put your marriage back the way it was before the affair happened.

The purpose is to give you tools and knowledge to restore your marriage and make it better than it ever was before. So this will be the last time you’ll ever have to go through this kind of trauma.

You my not want to buy “How to Survive an Affair” if the idea of a big nasty divorce excites you and you would rather pay a lawyer 4 times the price of a book. Or if you think you’re just having a nightmare and you’ll wake up soon and this will all go away on its own.

Okay, you may want to buy it if you want to get past this situation as soon as possible. This book was written to help the cheater as well as the injured. So you both can come to a realization that wounds do heal with the right treatment. And your marriage can be so much better when you choose to rebuild the Trust After an Affair.


  1. Posted August 4, 2011 at 12:55 am | Permalink

    We are fickle and unreasonable creatures. I wish we had the courage to confront our nature and plan for such things before entering into bonds that we wish were unbreakable.

    My intension is to map out the possibilities BEFOREHAND.

    Listen to the writer, but note that there is no comment on preparation so far in advance.

    Chris: You are absolutely right Mark, there are no comments on preparation in advance since your comment is the first one on this post. Hopefully I’ll get more now because nobody wants to be first.

    Thanks for breaking the ice and actually reading the comment policy and following it too. If I wore a hat I would take it off to you my friend!

    Now if you’re serious and you want some information on preparation before marriage there is an e-book called 1000 Questions for Couples and if you’ll go through it with a potential mate you will know for sure if she is the one for you or not.

  2. Posted September 7, 2011 at 5:58 am | Permalink

    I have seen lot of people building up resentment on the husband because of the affair. This is hard to overcome if ignored. Deal with our own emotions is really important. Knowing the root cause that pushed him to have the affair has to be known. That will give a better understanding of the situation. Thanks, Emma.

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