Marriage the Ultimate Emotional Connection

Marriage the Ultimate Emotional



Through words and actions every marriage has the ultimate emotional connection. And depending on the types of words and actions being used in the relationship, will determine the definition of ultimate.


You may or may not realize this; the word [ultimate] has four distinct different definitions. And they pretty much describe all the types of emotional connections that can be found in any kind of marriage relationship.


For the sake of this article I’m taking a little liberty with the order they were given in the 1969 edition of Webster’s Dictionary. So, we’ll start off with definition #3. I call it the young newlywed’s version of ultimate emotional connection.


Ultimate #3 – most basic; fundamental; primary. Now, having the understanding of the basics is always a good place to start. Every emotion comes from some kind of feeling and all feelings have a positive side and a negative side.


Our emotions are simply the outwardly way we express those inner feelings. And the more positive the feelings are we receive from others the more connection we tend to have with them.


The opposite is also true. The more negative the feelings are we receive from others the more disconnection we tend to have. And in a marriage it can happen in many different ways. By expectations not being met, promises not being kept, misunderstandings or lack of communication. The list could go on and on.


If steps aren’t taken to correct the situation it can lead to Ultimate #1 – Most distant; farthest. In this scenario the couple’s communication is mostly arguments, sarcastic remarks toward each other or no communication at all.


Like the one couple that went to a marriage counselor and he asked the wife how’s it going? And she says not very well, we haven’t talked for three days, this is not working. So, he turns to the husband and asks is this true? And he says what? We’re not fighting; I thought we were getting along.


It’s awful difficult, if not impossible to have an emotional connection without some kind of positive communication. Let’s face it, the silent treatment is one type of communication but, there’s nothing positive about that.


We are social creatures, born with the ability to communicate with others. As long as we’re alive we’re going to have feelings and emotions, that’s just part of our human nature.


For good, bad or indifferent emotions are the tell-tale signs of a person’s feelings. By observing body language and the tonality of a person’s voice we can read between the lines of their words. And the better you know the person the easier it is to do.


An example: The wife is all excited and says honey I’m pregnant and the husband says “That’s Great.” Words don’t always say how the person is feeling but, their emotions usually do.


If he lit up with a smile on his face and an upswing to his voice he’s feeling positive about the news. But, if he’s shaking his head with a downswing to his voice, the news give him a negative feeling. He’s thinking oh, no. She took serious what I poked at her in fun! I’m not ready or I can’t afford to be a daddy yet!


In the first example the couple talked about having a baby and they were both in agreement they wanted one. So, they were emotional united with the idea of becoming parents.


In the second example the couple didn’t talk about having children so, they didn’t have an agreement. When she broke the news to him, there was a bit of an emotional division. And it all could have been avoided with communication ahead of time.


If her goal was to have a baby she should have sold him on the idea first. If it was a surprise to her too, they should have discussed methods of birth control. Either way the lack of communication can cause distrust and an emotional disconnection.


Since nobody wants that, let’s move on to Ultimate #4 – greatest possible; maximum emotional connection and how to achieve it.


Some people think the world revolves around them and to a certain degree in their world it actually does. We’re like a revolving door. People come into our lives all the time. And whether they decide to stay or go will depend on how we made them feel.


When we make them feel welcomed, valued, appreciated and comfortable just being themselves around us they’re more apt to want to stay. On the flip side of that coin, if we make them feel belittled or worthless, they’ll want no part of us.


Here’s a few words of wisdom I’ve learned over the years to achieve maximum emotional connections with other human beings.


In an argument the words always and never are usually words of exaggeration. So, when we say you never or you always, we’re taking grains of sand turning them into boulders and building walls of separation between us.


Before we get all carried away and judgmental and give someone a piece of our mind. It’s always better to find out what was on theirs when they committed the offense. There could be a logical reason and it wasn’t meant as an offense at all.


When in doubt, give the benefit of it to others. Sometimes there is no right or wrong, only opinions. Whenever possible be flexible because, you can’t influence others with condemnation.


Real change is a choice we all have to make for ourselves. We can’t force others to change the best we can do is influence them into making the choice. Often times it requires us to make a change first to make our influence more effective.


When we put others first they’re more likely to do the same for us. When we put others last the only place we’re really first is in our own mind.


Trust is one of the most valuable assets in any relationship. And if it gets broken it’s one of the most difficult to repair.


Our words affect others feelings. They can make others feel like they’re on cloud 9 or in the depths of hell. So, chose them wisely with the expectation of them coming back in one form or another.


LOVE IS NOT, “never having to say you’re sorry.”


Don’t look for faults in others. There are no rewards for finding them. The rewards come from quietly overlooking them.


Now, this last definition is double sided. On one side it’s sad yet on the other side it’s a bit romantic. Ultimate #2 – final; last emotional connection. We’ll find this more in older couples who’ve been together for 4-7 decades. They’re each other’s best friend.


To them life is not worth living without their mate. One example is Isidor and Ida Straus. They were one of the couples who died on the Titanic. After being married 41 years Ida refused to get on a lifeboat without Isidor. She was heard saying, “We have lived together for many years. Where you go I go.”


Then every once in a while you’ll read in the news about a couple in their 80’s or 90’s. Their mate dies and within hours or days they’ve grieved themselves to death. Doctors call that broken hearted syndrome.


Granted, those are some pretty drastic examples of what people will do to try to hold on to an emotional connection. But, if you stop and think about it isn’t that what marriage is all about?


Okay, it’s not asking our mate to actually die. But, just be willing to give up a big part of their life for us. And what do we give them in return? The pleasure of hearing us complaining about them? If that’s the case it seems hardly fair for either one of you.


There was a time you two were just a couple of ME’s. Free to come and go and date whoever you pleased, without having to be accountable to each other. And then you met had an emotional connection you thought was going to last forever.


So, you married and the two ME’s turned into one big WE. But, one or both of you missed the memo about how there cannot be a big WE without little ME’s. But, don’t worry about it because Lee Baucom explains it all in his Save the Marriage System.


With Lee’s help you can still have the kind of ultimate emotional connection you really want for your marriage.


Until Next Time,

Let me hear from YOU, the real readers of this blog, in the comments.

I’ve heard enough from my spammer friends to last a life time already.

At last count it’s over 87,000 Deleted spam comments so far

Chris Baker


  1. Posted March 14, 2013 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular article! It
    is the little changes that produce the most important changes.
    Thanks for sharing!

    Chris: Hey Mariel, It’s so nice to see a comment that’s not just a cut and paste spam thing. I just had to give you a back link for that. But, you might want to think about starting a blog with your own web host vs. a freebie host. That is if your serious about this. Because a freebie host can shut you down for any reason and you’ll have to start all over again. If you’d like to chat I’m pretty easy to reach at

  2. Posted June 16, 2014 at 10:48 am | Permalink

    Marriage is the ultimate adventure two souls vow to make together.
    Your article beautifully explains the emotional bond that marriage creates.
    Facing everyday nuances and hurdles, WE needs to surface victorious.

  3. Juan
    Posted July 22, 2014 at 10:24 pm | Permalink

    When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment.
    Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
    Many thanks!

    Chris: Well Juan there may be a way if what you said was true. However, I know it’s not. I check the the comments about three times a day and most of them are spam just wanting an easy back link. Just like you wrote with your comment here. I can tell you for sure you have never got one single e-mail from this site!

    Listen I love you and I’m more than willing to give you or anybody a back link that will follow the comment policy. As long as they have their own site and it doesn’t deal with porn. But, the canned spam comment you bought to post on here just don’t cut it and it was a waste of your money I hope you can get it back! I’ve read them all before after deleting almost 3/4 of a million of them.

    Let me tell you how to get a back link from almost every site. It’s only 2 steps. First read the article you want to comment on and second stay on the topic. Agree or disagree either way you’ll probable get a back link as long as you can back up your argument while staying on the topic.

  4. Posted December 31, 2014 at 5:37 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for writing this articles. I enjoyed where you wrote about knowing the fundermentals of marriage. That is very a important thing to do before going into marriage. So many marriages crumbled because the couples dis not know what they arw supposed to know before getting hooked up.

    The most important thing that can keep couples together is committment..

    Everyone must get committed in doing the things that could make the marriage grow.

    Finally, I advice people to write down five reasons why they want to marry. Those are the things that will keep the marriage going when challanges starts coming.

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