Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away

Women ask why men pull away almost every day. And the fact is; there is no one single answer to a vague question like this without all the details of the particular situation. However, relationships aren’t   that complicated but, people can be. Especially, when women are lacking the comprehension of what makes a man tick.

I read an e-book a few weeks ago titled “Girl Gets Ring“. I recommend it to any woman who want’s to know how to get their guy to commit to the relationship. It’ll show you how to take it a step farther to influence your man to ask you to marry him. And it covers this subject in more detail. With 140 pages it goes without saying you’ll get more information, than what is in this blog post if you’re interested.

Alrighty then, since you didn’t jump off on the link and decided to hang out with me a little longer. We’ll discuss a few issues of why men pull away and how to solve them.

The desire to avoid pain and to gain pleasure is part of what makes up our human nature. The problems start in a relationship when one’s pleasure causes the other one’s pain. And the trouble is the average person is too busy enjoying their own pleasure to notice the other one’s pain.

And there are as many reasons for pain as there are relationships so, we’ll just say there’s a Ga-billion. Since, neither one of us have the time to discuss so many possibilities of the cause, we’ll touch on the two main areas of the subject.

Pain and Pleasure

People want to be accepted for who they are, that gives them pleasure. But, if they feel rejected or criticized it causes them pain. We all have a certain amount of self-confidence and any time we can stroke someone’s ego with appreciation, admiration or respect we can give them pleasure. On the flip side, if we attempt to downgrade their self-image we’ll be inflicting them with pain.

Most people or at least the ones I know don’t find any pleasure in pain.  In fact it’d be safe to say they have a low pain tolerance, especially when it comes to emotional pain. Now how they handle it will depend on the person, their personality and the amount of pain they’re suffering.

With an aggressive person we can expect a knee jerk type of response sending them into a fight or flight mode. Where a passive aggressive person, may hold their feelings in and look for an opportunity to either get even or a way to escape the relationship altogether.

However, most pain in a relationship can be avoided when we understand the common causes and strive to evade them. The sad thing is most people can’t or won’t do it because, they’re too self-centered. They are more interested in their pleasure than their partner’s pain.

Here’s a prime example: One of my friends got up early to go fishing with one of his buddies. He was half way to the lake when his wife calls his cell phone. She tells him he has to come back home and do the breakfast dishes. WHAT???? So, he turns around and goes back home as ordered.

Oh good grief, I just shook my head when I heard his story. He has two able body daughters, a perfectly healthy wife and a built-in dishwasher. All of which was quite capable of doing the dishes. So, he missed a day of fishing with his friend causing him pain to give her the pleasure of being a control freak.

Most people don’t like to be controlled. Although, I’ve met a few who do but, that’s not normal. I’ve even known one gal that only dated guys who beat her. When asked why she stayed with him, she said he’s really not a bad guy he only beats me and his mother. WHAT??? That’s not normal either!

Everybody likes to feel special but, in order to get to that position there’s usually some pain we have to go through. An Olympic track star doesn’t get the gold metal without practice, even when they don’t feel like it. (Pain) A champion boxer not only has to learn how deliver punches but, also how to take them. (Pain)  A mother doesn’t give birth without going through labor or a C-section. (Pain)

I can’t think of a single thing in life worth having that isn’t accompanied by some form of pain at one time or another. And that includes relationships. One of the keys for good relationships is having enough self-confidence to be able to take the pain in stride. There’s no point in taking it personally with feeling the need to retaliate.

Does an Olympic runner break the leg of the winner who beats them in a race? (NO) Does a boxer who gets knocked out in the ring shoot the champion? (NO) Does the new mother spank her new born baby for causing her pain? (Of course not, what do you think the doctor is there for?) LOL

Seriously though, a lot of relationship problems are caused by trying to get even with the other person. And if you think about it it’s self-defeating. So, what if they insulted, embarrassed, belittled or whatever else they did to cause us pain. If we just get even with them for the offense it still makes them the leader because, we followed their lead.

Let me ask you this; is your self-confidence so low that you’re incapable of being a leader? Now, I know at some point in your life you’ve felt used, unappreciated, or cheated and maybe all three at the same time. But, did they add to your enjoyment of life or take away from it? My guess would be the latter.

The average person thinks revenge is sweet but, average people have lousy relationships too. And they don’t have what it takes to be a leader either. A leader has a vision and knows how to focus on the desired outcome with confidence, commitment and determination to achieve it. They have the consistency to not give up even when it becomes painful.

Since you’re investing your time to read this article, would it be safe to say you’re a little concerned about your man becoming disconnected from you? Then the big question is how do you get him to reconnect so you two can have the story book kind of marriage?

I’m not saying this to discourage you but, to inform you. Be careful for what you ask for because you may just get it. Marriage is not only one of the biggest changes of your life; it’s a life time of big changes. And depending on how you handle them, some years will seem like days and some days will seem like years. But, the good news is, since you are one of the authors of your story book marriage you’ll be able to change the story line as needed to keep it on the right track.

Now, let’s get back to the big question on how to get your man to reconnect with you. The first thing I would suggest for you is to write down your definition of what connecting is. What does it mean to you, how it makes you feel, and what would he need to do to make you feel connected again?

If you can’t even answer these questions for yourself than it’s not fair to expect him to either!

Everybody’s definition will be a little different but, just for the sake of discussion I’ll give some common things that people would add to their list. They want their partner to treat them like they are:  special, understood, trusted, an equal, appreciated, valued, loved, admired, respected, and the list could go on. But, you get the idea.

The next thing you should do with your definition or as I like to call it your seed list is start using it. If you’re like the average woman it’s a pretty good sized list. But, don’t roll it up and start beating him with it like a club by telling him what he’s doing wrong and how you feel mistreated by him. That is unless; you want to drive him away.

Commendation works better than condemnation. In other words praise him for what he’s doing right instead of putting him down for what he’s doing wrong. Influence will always work better with encouragement, save the discouragement for the control freaks.

Let me ask you a few questions. Did you make your list of what you need to feel connected to him? If not are you going to make it or just expect him to read your mind which isn’t even clear to you right now? Would you say your guy is a reasonable man? If so then take your list of needs and use them as seeds.

Let’s say you need to feel appreciated than sow some seeds of appreciation and gratitude in him. If he’s a reasonable man all he needs is a reason to appreciate you. If you want to be treated as an equal than you can’t talk down to him or boss him around. Whatever you sow you can expect to reap good or bad.

The law of reciprocity always works but, like seeds sometimes it takes a while to see the fruits of your labor. The trick is not to let distractions, discouragements or setbacks get you down. They’re usually just temporary anyway unless; we give up.

Timing Is Everything

Listen girl, I’m serious timing is very important to your man! Unfortunately, it’s not your timing that’s important to him. As a boy his mother rushed him around enough for a lifetime. As a man he gets more than enough of that from his employer. And the last thing he is looking for in a mate is another mother or a boss.

Maybe it’s just a motherly instinct because the egg came from her body, I don’t know. Even after the egg is fertilized and hatched they feel like they still need to brood over them. And a man will put up with that from his mother to a certain extent out of respect for her.

But, the same thing from a wife or a girlfriend causes him pain. You have to consider he’s a grown man now. And grown men want to make their own decisions for themselves. They don’t like to be controlled every minute of the day like they had to endure as a boy.

To him he may as well move back home with mom or be put in prison rather than to put up with that from his girlfriend. A man loves his independence and he doesn’t mind committing to a relationship as long as he doesn’t have to give up all his independence.

His free time is his free time without all the text messages fifty million times a day from his girlfriend. To him if he calls or texts you, you can return the favor. And any more than that, it better be an emergency. Otherwise, you’re just like his mother trying to run his life.

Now, there are exceptions to every rule but, very few to this one. And if you break that rule it better be something interesting to him and not the dab urn breakfast dishes.

There may be such a thing as love at first sight but, it still takes time to build a relationship. And a man doesn’t like to commit himself until he’s sure this is the one for him. Trying to rush him only adds more doubt in his mind.

Have you ever gone in a store and you pretty much knew what you wanted but, you had a couple of questions before you were ready to buy? A salesperson comes over and answers your questions then starts to really pump up the item in fact over sales it.

A half hour later they’re still talking about it. So, you walk away and they follow you still talking and you feel pressured now. When all you wanted was a few minutes to think it over but, the only way to get the time is just to leave the store. Your mind is still on the item but, because of the pressure you’ll buy it at another store later.

That’s how a man can feel when his girlfriend has to be with him all the time. And you may think you’re being generous with your time with him but, he feels you’re being greedy and needy with his. And that’s too much pressure to him.

Just a word to the wise if you don’t want your man to pull away.The old saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder is actually true. And men need that space to chill out at times. Sometimes with their friends or by them-self.

If he cares about you than don’t worry and brood over him like his mother. You’re constantly on his mind so, give him some space to let the relationship marinate in his mind until he’s ready to commit.

I hope this gave you not only something to think about but, a clear path you can follow. It’s up to you to take the first step though. If you’d like more information on how to attract a man and keep him committed to you then go gab a copy of Girl Gets Ring .

On page 62 you’ll discover the three elements of attraction men prefer over simply beauty. With these three attributes you don’t have to look like a model for men to find you attractive.

On page 91 how to remove his fear of relationships and connect with him on an emotional level.

On page 85 find out if predictability is an asset or a liability in your relationship.

On page 111 how to get him to open up to you and form a lasting bond.

On page 112 How to get your man to really listen to you.

On page 136 how to keep your man from cheating on you.

There is so much more in this book from how to attract a man and find out if he is right for you to getting him to commit to only you. So, if you’re ready for a real relationship with a man that has no desires of pulling away from you then go grab your copy of Girl Gets Ring today.

Until next time,

Remember you are not just a character

In your life’s story you’re also an author

So, chose your words wisely.

Chris Baker