He’s Afraid of Commitment

He’s Afraid of Commitment

Sarah asks, “My man seems to be afraid of commitment, how can I get him past his fear?” I touched on this subject in another article titled Why Men Pull Away. But; since you asked we can dig a little deeper for the possible reasons of his fear.

He’s too young

If he’s a younger man, it could be he’s afraid of commitment because, he’s simply not ready yet. Guys mature a little different than girls. Do you remember being back in grade school around fifth grade? You were probably taller than half of your male classmates.

Most of them caught up with you as far as height goes by your senior year but, they were still pretty immature in their actions. Guys don’t think about biological clocks or having children when their young. They’re more concerned about hanging out with their buddies and having fun. Enjoying their independence, freedom and exploring all their options.

Young guys may be ignorant but, they’re not stupid. To them a commitment means responsibility and loss of freedom. He’s just learned to spread his wings and fly so to speak. So, you have to convince him that you want to soar with him and not keep him grounded.

In other words, if you can be his best friend without trying to control him like a mother, you’ll eliminate a lot of his fears. And when he’s ready to make a commitment you’ll be an obvious choice.

Maybe you have competition

Sometimes a lack of commitment to you could mean you may have competition. I hope that’s not the case but, him being human and all there could be a possibility. It’s a guy thing; they want to have the best. But, I’ve known guys that thought Lamborghinis were best until they owned one and found out they were an overpriced piece of crap too.

Sarah I don’t know if you’re just dating the guy, living with him or married to him because your question was rather vague. But, you can have the home court advantage over any other competitor once you understand how a man’s mind works.

Haste makes waste

Sometimes women get in a hurry for various reasons and start pressuring their man for a commitment. Bringing it up in a conversation every great once in a while isn’t bad. But, harping on it well, it may even work to a small degree.  In fact he may even walk you down the aisle.

However, after he’s had time to think about it and realizes he’s been shanghaied all bets are off. Guys may be slow but, usually they’re not stupid, they’ll figure it out. Why would you want to marry a stupid man anyway?  That’s like begging for a full time job for less than minimum wage. What good is it?

Wouldn’t be better to get a reasonable man vs. a stupid one? And if he’s reasonable than all you need to do is give him enough reasons to commit to you. Then you have to give him enough time to convince himself it’s his idea. If you’re in a hurry for a commitment and he’s not ready yet than you have two options. Change your tactics or change your man. Otherwise you’re just asking for problems down the road.

Priority Problems

Obviously you have your sights set on a grown man. And grown men usually have their own set of priorities. Work, family, friends, hobbies and all the other things that kept him single. Apparently they’re not a bad thing because; they kept him single for you.

And I’m sure you have your own set of priorities too Sarah. It’s sort of like doing the double Dutch jump rope together. You have to either jump in there with him when you see your chance or step back. But, if you try to stop his rhythm because you don’t like it, then you should expect him not to commit to you.

Count the cost and spare the change

Now, here’s one that frustrates men enough to keep them from committing to a relationship. Most women have an idea in their mind what their perfect man should be like. But, they can’t seem to find him because, they get into a hurry. I suspect it has something to do with their biological clock or just plain ole impatience.

For whatever reason, they settle for a man who’s pretty close to their idea of the perfect man. And instead of counting the cost for settling they won’t spare the change. In other words she tries to push him into her mold of what her perfect man should be.

Listen Sarah, most guys are like Popeye, I ams what I ams. They want to be appreciated for what they are, who they are and how they are and not forced to change into somebody they don’t want to be. When you were a little girl you may have dressed up a GI Joe doll like a Ken or a Barbie but, when you try that on a real man you can’t expect a commitment from him.

If you want him to stick around you have to change your idea of the perfect man to fit him. Give him respect and support for being the way he is. And stroke his ego whenever you get an opportunity. When you can do that for him you’ll eliminate a lot of his fear of commitment.

Lack of trust

In any good relationship there has to be trust. The average woman speaks about 20,000 words a day and the average man speaks about 7,000. Because women tend to talk more than men, they tell us more about themselves while they’re talking about someone else.

When they talk about another person is it gossip or facts, is it more positive than negative? Because, speaking the negative gossip can be a trust breaker for a guy. Knowing if she gets upset with him she’ll be taking about him like that to her friends.

Differences outweigh the commonalities

It may be true opposites attract but, when the differences outweigh the commonalities there is usually a conflict of interest. Relationships start because of similarities and they end because of differences. The more you have in common with your guy the closer the relationship. And the less you have in common the farther you’ll drift apart.

So, Sarah if you want him to commit to you, you’ll have to prove you have more in common than you do differences. And show him there is room for a mutual compromise on the differences.

I hope this gave you some food for thought. If you’d like more than here’s a video to help you understand how a man’s mind works.

Until next time,

A sweet spirit and a good attitude

is always attractive

Chris Baker

One Comment

  1. Posted April 12, 2014 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

    Chris, I agree with many of your points. In my practice as a relationship counselor, I see again and again how women simply don’t understand the psychology of men and men’s needs in relationships. Plus, women just waste way too much time with guys who are clearly not into them or ready for commitment. Then, they end up with broken hearts. If a guy hasn’t brought up the topic of marriage after a year or two of dating, then he isn’t planning to marry you! Time to move on from that relationship.

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